Always on my Mind Read online

  “I’m already exhausted and changing my mind.” That didn’t stop her mind from wandering to all the potential scenarios and what she’d say and what she’d do and where she’d want a date to take her the first time they went out. At some point, she heard the front door open and close and then the sound of Ethan’s car driving away. It took a little longer for her to find the will to get off the bed and go and order her dinner. There was the option of going and picking it up and maybe running into someone she knew and striking up a conversation, but ultimately, she opted to stay in and be a hermit for a little longer.

  And considering how her last conversation just went, it was probably for the best.

  It was a nightmare.

  The entire night had been one awkward encounter after another and Ethan was beginning to think he was jinxed.

  After Parker’s bizarre and rambling advice, he thought he’d be fine. Once he arrived at Michael’s Italian Restaurant and Sarah, his date, showed up, things got progressively worse.

  Apparently Sarah was allergic to more than just shellfish and there was a moment when he thought she was going to have to use her EpiPen. Then, he knocked over her glass of wine–luckily it wasn’t red–and she claimed she needed to go home to change.

  And that’s when she suggested they go back to her place together so she could slip into something more comfortable.

  As in…her bed.

  So yeah, Parker kind of hit the nail on the head with that one and once that thought took hold, Ethan couldn’t seem to stop thinking about Parker.

  That was not a good sign considering he was out on a date with another woman.

  Fortunately, Sarah hadn’t pushed when Ethan claimed that they should just call it a night, but he felt like a total loser returning home so early. So, he drove around town, got himself some ice cream and sat on the pier for a little while, people-watching and doing a little reflection.

  Well, it wasn’t really reflection as much as it was thinking about Parker some more.

  He’d learned a lot about her this last week. For starters, she sort of just went with the flow. She’d essentially moved into his house with a couple of suitcases full of clothes, a minimal amount of personal items, and zero furniture. She’d slept on his couch and didn’t seem to have a problem living like a kind of laid-back nomad.

  But there was a whole other side to her that she tried to hide.

  The insecure and anxious side.

  He’d seen glimpses of it that very first day in the library and then when she was on the phone with her sister. As the week went on, however, he found that when she let her guard down, she wasn’t as confident as she liked to project to the world.

  And he liked that side a lot more. It made her much more relatable and human. For the life of him, he couldn’t understand how she could be two extreme personalities or why she would want to be. What made her feel the need to be the outgoing, always-smiling woman if she had so many internal struggles? He didn’t know her well enough to ask, but he was dying to know. He believed in being who you are one hundred percent of the time and thought everyone felt the same, but…clearly he was wrong.

  Tonight he’d hoped that she could help him–maybe give him some advice on how to be a little more confident out on his date–but she’d almost been as nervous as he was, which…didn’t fit.

  “So she’s a little complex,” he commented to no one in particular. But those complexities were drawing him to her and confusing him. Honestly, he’d hoped she could teach him how to come out of his shell, as if some of her confidence could rub off on him.

  Now he wasn’t so sure.

  All he knew was he spent way too much time thinking about Parker and he didn’t think it was a good thing.

  Or appropriate.

  Either way, he didn’t want to have to avoid going home to his own house, so he finished his ice cream and made his way back to his car. It wasn’t particularly late, but he’d been gone long enough that hopefully Parker wouldn’t comment on it.

  Twenty minutes later, he opened the door and found Parker curled up on the sofa wrapped up in one of her fuzzy blankets. Most of the lights were off and she was watching yet another season of The Bachelor. Rather than say anything, he took off his jacket and sat down and watched the remainder of the episode with her.

  Why can’t I be as smooth and confident as these guys? They say all kinds of cheesy things and it’s endearing. I say stuff like that and people look at me like I’m crazy…

  When the episode ended, Parker sat up straight and turned on one of the lamps before facing him. “So? How was your date?”

  The groan was out before he could stop it, and then he slouched down and told her about everything that happened. Turning his head toward her, he ended with, “You were right.”

  Her eyes went wide. “What? Really? So British Lit professors can be a little sexually aggressive! Who knew?”

  “Apparently, you,” he replied. “How did you know that without ever meeting her?”

  “I think it’s just a girl thing. Every female I’ve ever known–myself included–only invites a guy back to her place on the first date if the end goal is sex.” Then she grinned at him. “Look at you, Ethan Harlow! Getting all the lady professors chasing after you!”

  Oh Lord…

  “Definitely not all the lady professors,” he corrected. “Just this one and…I didn’t go home with her.”

  Parker blinked at him as if she didn’t understand what he was saying. “But…I don’t get it. Why wouldn’t you go home with her?”

  It felt like the room had gotten hotter. “I don’t know. It’s just…you got in my head and it all felt wrong. I mean…Sarah’s a perfectly nice woman, but I just don’t feel that way about her.”

  And just like that, Parker’s expression changed–she went a little pale and somber on him.

  “Parker? Are you okay?”

  She didn’t respond right away; she simply crawled off the sofa and rolled her blanket up into a ball. It was then that he saw she was in a pair of flannel pajama pants that looked to be about two sizes too big for her, an oversized sweatshirt, and fuzzy socks. Her long, dark hair was up in a messy bun and yet she looked…pretty. Attractive. Sexy.

  Uh oh…

  That was a brand-new observation and Ethan mimicked her move and quickly scrambled off the couch. “So, um…you don’t have to shut off the TV on my account,” he told her. “I think I’m going to go and grade some papers so…”

  “No. No, it’s okay. I think I’ll finish watching TV up in my room. I forgot that I have one up there now so I don’t have to hog yours.” She let out a nervous laugh. “I’ll bet you’ll be glad to go back to watching your science documentaries instead of my reality dating shows.”

  “They’re not as bad as I thought they’d be,” he admitted.

  And then, thankfully, Parker seemed to relax. “Oh, well…then I guess I should give one of your shows a try, huh? Maybe I’ll learn something.” Then she shook her head. “Although, I doubt it.” After a brief pause, she turned and murmured, “Good night.”

  “Why do you do that?” he asked, causing her to stop in her tracks.

  “Do what?”

  “Put yourself down like that. I don’t get it.”

  For a minute he didn’t think she was going to reply, but the answer she finally gave was definitely an attempt at deflection.

  “That’s just me goofing around. No biggie.”

  Ethan knew there had to be more to it than that. These little digs at herself added on top of the other things he’d noticed about her and he was beginning to think that no one knew the real Parker Bishop.

  Including herself.

  Taking a tentative step toward her, he couldn’t help but push a little. “Parker, you’re an intelligent woman. I don’t get why you don’t see that.”

  She wouldn’t look directly at him and he knew somewhere in the back of her mind she was trying to escape gracefully. It would probably be best to let her just go upstairs and drop the subject, but…he couldn’t.

  “From everything you’ve told me, you’ve been living your best life up until recently. And I get that you’re recovering from a lot of disappointment, but that doesn’t have anything to do with who you are as a person. Don’t you know that?”

  The eye roll was almost expected, but her response wasn’t.

  “You don’t know anything about me, Ethan. Back in school, I was flunking everything. It took a team of tutors and I’m sure a little bribery from my parents for me to actually graduate. I’m not smart by any stretch of the imagination. I left Magnolia Sound as soon as I could because I couldn’t stand to be surrounded by overachieving siblings and cousins. There is all this pressure to live up to the great Coleman name–that was my great-grandfather and he was one of the founders here–and it’s a lot to have to deal with. I don’t want to put my stamp on this town; probably couldn’t even if I wanted to because I’m not smart enough.” With a sigh, she took a step toward the staircase. “I had to learn to use charm and humor to get by.” She let out a mirthless laugh. “It’s a great distraction when you don’t want anyone to realize how dumb you are. So…yeah. That’s me. Now you know the kind of person you’re really living with,” she added quietly before turning and walking up the stairs.

  Leaving Ethan completely speechless.

  Part of him wanted to go after her and talk about all of this, but…he had no idea what to say.

  Or if this revelation made any difference in how he felt about her.

  It didn’t.

  He knew instantly that it didn’t change anything. All it did was help him understand her a little more.

  He just wished he were the kind of guy who could have said something right then in the moment to make her feel better. Knowing what to say was never his strong suit, and normally he was okay with it. But seeing the sadness on Parker’s face and seeing the look of utter defeat in her eyes just gutted him.

  It was shocking to realize she struggled with her own insecurities just like he did, but maybe this whole roommate thing could be beneficial to both of them. Perhaps they could help each other out. Earlier he had genuinely wanted her help and input on his date with Sarah, but the more he thought about it, Ethan knew he could use Parker’s help in a lot of aspects of his life and maybe, just maybe, she could use his help as well.

  Tonight wasn’t the night to bring it up, but he made a mental note to bring it up the next time the two of them sat down to dinner together.

  Four

  “So basically what I’m saying is…I’m sorry. I behaved like a brat and I know you were only trying to help me.” Her words were met with total silence and that was unusual whenever she was surrounded by her family. They were all at Peyton and Ryder’s house–the one on the beach that they finally moved into–and having dinner. Once she’d reached out to her sister and said she wanted to get together with everyone, things fell into place immediately.

  As in a matter of hours.

  Right now, she was addressing her sister and her fiancé, but her brother and sister-in-law were right there at the dinner table with them. “Somebody say something. Please.”

  Peyton spoke first. “Of course we forgive you, Parks. I just hate that you felt the need to run away rather than just talking to us.”

  It was on the tip of her tongue to argue that she had talked to them about how much they were smothering her, but she figured if she wanted everything to go back to normal, she’d keep it to herself. Instead, she said…

  “You’re right. I should have spoken up. I was just overwhelmed with everything and I guess it was selfish of me to come crashing back into everyone’s lives and expect you to know what I needed.”

  It was amazing no one was calling bullshit on her.

  “Parker,” her brother began, “you are always welcome to come crashing into our lives. We’re family and we love you. It’s just…we all have lives too, and it’s not easy for us to be able to read your mind. I mean…Scarlett and I have kids and jobs and our lives are hectic enough. When you showed up, we were happy to see you but…”

  “I know, I know. I should have respected your rules and not tried to make everyone change for me,” she said solemnly. “I’m sorry for that.”

  “You don’t have to be sorry,” Scarlett told her. “I’m partly to blame because I’m hormonal and everything seems to upset me lately. The kids loved having you there and I was a big downer who took all the fun away. If you ever want to babysit…”

  That made Parker laugh. “Anytime. You just give me a call, and I’ll do my best to be there.”

  Reaching over, Scarlett squeezed her hand. “We love you, kiddo. And if you still need a place to stay…”

  “No, but thanks. I’m renting a place and I’m all settled in. It was fun getting to decorate and buy furniture that I know is going to be mine. I haven’t done that since high school.”

  “Where’s this place?” Ryder, her sister’s fiancé, asked.

  “Oh, it’s on the edge of town–closer to the Laurel town limits, on the Sound side. It’s two blocks in from the water. Super cute.”

  “And you’re renting the whole house?”

  “Well…no. I’m renting a room.” Then she paused. “I mean, it’s more of a roommate situation with someone I went to school with, but I have the whole upstairs all to myself. The rest of the house is a common area. So far it’s working out great.”

  “Oh, someone from school?” Peyton asked. “Who is it?”

  “Um…”

  “Please don’t tell me it’s one of your flaky friends,” Mason chimed in. “I’ve seen Lauren and Tina around town and they are still as immature as they were back when you all used to hang out together in high school.”

  Just thinking about her old friends made her laugh. “No. It’s not anyone I was close to. You’ve never met them.”

  “Them?” Peyton asked.

  Crap. She hadn’t considered how everyone would react when she mentioned her roommate was a guy.

  Too late to back out now.

  “His name is Ethan Harlow,” she said confidently. “He was the valedictorian of our class and now he’s a professor at the community college.”

  “Professor of what?” Mason asked.

  “Science. Physical science, I believe.” She shrugged. “We haven’t talked a whole lot about his job.”

  “And what about you?” Ryder asked. “Where are you working?”

  “Um…” Dammit. It was the same interrogation she got back when she was staying with him and Peyton all over again.

  Stay calm. Don’t freak out. They’re only asking because they care…

  “I haven’t really started looking. I saw Mallory last week and she mentioned maybe giving me some part-time work at the shop, so there’s that.”

  “And you know you can come work at the café,” Peyton added. “It’s not glamorous, but the tips are great. Have you thought about what it is you want to do?”

  Ugh…this again.

  “Still no,” she said with a forced smile. “I’ve been dealing with a lot and now that I’m settled with a place to live, I can start thinking about it.”

  Everyone nodded except Ryder, and Parker knew it was only a matter of time before he started…

  “How can you not know what you want to do with your life?” he asked, sooner than she expected.

  Sighing, Parker reached for a bottle of wine and poured herself a half a glass. When she glanced up, everyone seemed to be looking at her with a crazy amount of anticipation.

  “Fine. You want to know how?” she asked the group at large. “Because of all of you.” First, she faced her brother. “You’ve always been the golden child. Everything you did was perfection. My whole life I had to listen to Mom and Dad say how amazing you are, how talented, how perfect. Do you have any idea how hard that is to deal with?”

  “Uh…” Mason looked around but didn’t seem to have a response.

  Then she faced her sister. “And you. You’ve known since you got your first Easy-Bake Oven that you wanted to own a restaurant. You’ve been focused on that dream since we were little and then you did everything humanly possible to make it happen. Both of you were great students and were big cheerleaders for living here in Magnolia Sound and following in Pops’ footsteps.” She let out a long breath. “I was never going to live up to those expectations. I was never going to be smart enough or focused enough to do anything great, so…I put my focus on traveling.”

  “Oh, Parker…sweetie,” Peyton began with a small frown. “Why didn’t you ever say anything? For a long time you talked about opening your own spa. Was there any truth to that or were you just saying that to pacify all of us?”

  “I don’t know. I guess there was a time when it sounded like a good idea, but…” she looked helplessly at her family. “There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to add anything to Magnolia. I love it the way it is. I love driving down Main Street and seeing all the things Pops built.” She glanced at her soon-to-be brother-in-law and frowned. “I get that you’re all about making improvements and bringing in new businesses and that’s fine, but it’s not for me. I don’t want to contribute to that.”

  “Okay, we can all respect that, Parks,” Mason said, “but at some point you’re going to have to do something. You can’t just keep flitting around crashing at people’s houses or working a variety of part-time jobs.”

  “Why not?” And seriously, she was curious. “I mean, where is it written that I have to choose a career and do it for the rest of my life? Why can’t I work at different things if that’s what feeds my soul?”

  No one had a response.

  “So is this just a pit stop for you?” Peyton asked quietly. “Are you going to just kill time here in Magnolia until…until you’re over this whole Tyler thing and then you’re going to pack up and move again?”